The true meaning of Love.

Dear Bloggy, today I want to introduce you to someone very near and dear to my heart. I've known her since she was born 20 short years ago, and we have grown up by each others' sides. She is more like my sister than my cousin, and more like my soulmate than my best friend. Meet my cousin, Kelsey :)

Isn't she the prettiest?!

So...not that I wouldn't jump at the chance to introduce ANYONE to my wonderful, beautiful, amazing cousin on any given day, but the other day my mom sent me an email (forwarded to her by my aunt) that contained an essay Kels wrote for school. On what love means to her. Now, love and I don't really get along...so when I read the intro about how she was going to write about the meaning of love and how it pertains to marriage I was a little hesitant to read it. I'm maybe, kind of, definitely a cynic when it comes to these sort of things, and I'm not very conventional. I'd much rather have a Dr. in front of my name than a Mrs. if you catch my drift. BUT, since I do LOVE Kels with everything I have of course I gave it a shot. 

Baby me and Kels :)

Kelsey and I have been through so much together, and although during all of it we may not have been physically side-by-side I have always been able to lean on her. And when I say lean on, I don't mean casually lay my head on...I mean in a full-body-weight-can't-hold-myself-up-way that if I leaned on any other person they would fall right over. But she's always been a solid rock in my life. She has been through more ups and downs that anyone I’ve known, and is now the most faithful, beautiful person I know. And to have seen some of the things she has and still know God’s love and trust in his plan is the true meaning of faith and love.

In times like these when I think I am losing faith in “love” and my “plan”, I need to be reminded of what TRUE love actually is…like Kelsey so beautifully wrote “God is love”. She is my little angel, and I don’t think she’ll ever know how grateful I am for her.

Not sure why we were always naked...

Since my summary of the essay definitely would not have done it justice, I just attached the entire thing! If you get a chance pleeeease read it, because it is beautifully written. And it really picked me up from a low place when I needed it. It’s crazy how she can do that from a million miles away, without even meaning to….

I love you to the moon and back 27 times, Kels.

What Is Love?

            During our discussion on love you asked the class, “What is love?” Several students gave pretty good answers but none were quite satisfactory on account of the fact that love, as we all know, is entirely too complex to properly define. After that class, I went home and looked up “love” in the dictionary and I found an endless number of attempts to define it. However, the ambiguity of one definition in particular stuck out to me and further enticed me to write this reflection on how I define “love” as well as it’s correlation with marriage.  This particular definition of love from dictionary.com is “to have love or affection for another.” The fact that the actual word ‘love’ is used in its definition is what captured my attention. All things considered, the definition’s ambiguous nature can be justified in the fact that other definitions are given before it that attempt to more properly define the term; nevertheless, I was intrigued and after pondering the idea for quite a while I discovered that this definition actually describes my idea of love, beautifully.

            Just about two years ago, I found a love that fulfilled a longing and emptiness that I could never before comprehend. The love itself is simply impossible to fully understand but the fullness of this love within me is something that I can. When I was around the age of 14, I dipped my toes in a life of drugs and endless other bad decisions. The moment I had a taste of this kind of lifestyle, I began to drown and although this drowning was slow, it was certain. Just before I had hit the bottom, I met a Man whose love changed my life forever. This Man and what He did for me out of complete and selfless love has brought me to believe that love can be summed up in three simple words: “God is love.”

             We discussed Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love in which he proposes that there are three different components that combine to form different types of love. These components include: intimacy, passion, and commitment. I think this idea is rather brilliant and although I do agree that the different types of “love” exist, I believe that the only real love between two people is consummate love. I think that every person is given the capacity to have consummate love, but it’s the very fact that we are human with human tendencies that we seek to find love in different ways and have thus created these different types of “love”. In the text, the authors define consummate love as “complete”; love that is experienced when intimacy, passion, and commitment are all present to a substantial degree. Oddly enough, this completeness of the triangular building blocks directly corresponds to my views on how to find the right mate. In the first book of the Bible, God said, “It is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18) and so God created a woman that Adam described as “bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23). I believe that like God made Eve for Adam, He has also created one perfect match for each of us. Although this is farfetched in today’s society, I believe as I rest in the Lord, He is preparing my future husband and me for each other as we individually continue to grow in Him. I strongly believe this and refuse to pursue a relationship with anyone other than the Lord until He tells me to do so. As Sternberg believes that intimacy, passion and commitment combine to make love, I believe that our body, soul, and spirit combine to match up with someone else’s body, soul, and spirit like pieces of a puzzle. In his bible commentary, Jon Courson describes this idea superbly. He writes,

“God is a triune Being: Father, Son, and Spirit. Being made in His image, we are, in a sense, a trinity as well—consisting of body, soul, and spirit (1 Thessalonians 5:23). The body is our material nature that relates to the physical world around us. The soul consists of our mind, emotions, and will—our personality, that which relates to people. The spirit is our true nature—that part of us which relates to God and will live eternally.”

In relation to Sternberg’s three components I think that the body parallels passion, the soul parallels intimacy, and the spirit parallels commitment. If one or more of these is missing from your desired mate, it increases the risk of the relationship having significant problems. The first components, body and passion, indicate that physical attraction is important in that there needs to be that romantic “spark” or physical arousal between one another. Soul and intimacy are necessary in that it’s important to appreciate each other’s personality, be open in communication, understanding, support, and feelings of sharing and warmth. Finally, it’s important to be on the same level spiritually which make up the third components, spirit and commitment. Both parties should be continuing in the same direction with the same intensity in their walk with the Lord, which in turn will include ones commitment to the other, the decisions to devote oneself to the relationship and ones work to maintain it. I think that only the love that includes all of these components is real and “complete” love.

            However, our impulsive and selfish nature as humans causes us to actively and constantly seek a mate to fulfill certain longings and in turn settle for someone that is not our perfect match.  Down the road, the marriage becomes rocky and then one or both opt out. Well, I believe that even if you marry someone who is not who God wanted for you initially, that person becomes the person God wants for you. Jon Courson puts it this way, “Even if the person you married was #886 on the Lord’s list of ideal mates for you—the moment you said, “I do”, #886 became #1. You see, even if there was a mistake made initially, no one on the face of the earth will be better for you than the person you’re sitting with right now.” I love this because as humans we are certain to make endless mistakes but God always provides a solution. The solution is to “trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.” If you make Christ the center of your marriage and seek Him in all your ways, He will fill your relationship with joy, whether it’s a new relationship, one you have been in for years, or one that seems to be nearing the end.

            Love: to have love or affection for another. God is love. Love: to seek the Lord and allow Him to give you an endless affection for another. I am aware that many don’t know the Lord and that some don’t even believe He exists but I pray that they would. He showed the only true and selfless love when He gave His life to save humanity from an eternity apart from God. By seeking Him, we are the closest we will ever be on earth to knowing what love really is. If you surrender your life to Him and let Him orchestrate it, you will experience love.